Father's day reflections..

The day began with me out back trying to get the chemical balance and temperature of the pool just right. I called my dad, got his machine and kept working. A few minutes later my son called me and we chatted for a while until my sister called and she and I chatted a while and then my wife woke up, came downstairs and let me know what "the plan" was for today. This immediately got me to thinking. How many dad's really fall for this illusion that this is "our day." Come on ladies, spill the beans. Yall know this day aint about us. Not that we mind. Deep down, we know that too, just as we know that while yall aint our mothers, we best have a gift, a card, some flowers and a reservation somewhere nice for at least brunch lined up. I had to ask myself how things got so our of whack.. When did men become so marginalized in this country? I overheard a couple of radio dudes ("Armstrong and Getty" KNEW, San Francisco 6-10am) last week talking about a survey of "All time favorite TV dads." They, and I along with them, were shocked that Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable was the most recent member of that club. They pondered why that would be. Did the surveyor just poll old people? Or was it because TV dads have devolved into largely mindless buffoons who are more an impediment to the family unit functioning than anything else. The wife and the kids are the smart ones. Dad is just a comic foil more often than not. As I listened to this, I had to reflect on my own situation. Am I one of these useless buffoons? Can I not fix anything? Does everything I cook end up burnt? Is every gift I buy for my kids appropriate for them.. five years ago? Since I have built furniture one of which still serves as my dresser, performed routine to mid level maintenance on my Toyotas, Mercedes, Infinity, Harley and GMC trucks as well as almost completely rebuilt my Maytag washer I think I'm cool on #1. Since I prepare about 80% of the meals at our house and no one who lives here could be accused of needing to put on weight, I think I can put a check mark by #2. So that brings #3. Now I gotta admit, I went to gift cards right around the time the teenagers started high school. The little one? I dunno, I try to listen to what she likes, and get it for her but my wife has returned quite a bit of the stuff I buy so maybe I fall down on that one.

So I'm okay on 2 out of 3. But obviously there is more to dadhood than that stuff. There is homework.. I have to admit it's hard to get and stay focused on 2nd and 3rd grade homework but I get that those are the grades where the kids most need it. But I drift away at times on that. Then there is play time. You gotta be the big huggable playmate when they need ya. Though I always enjoy it when I do get down on the floor and play with my little one, these soon to be 49 year old bones are never quick to get down there. But then I thought about my own father.. he never did any of those things. He was never a playmate, never helped with school work any of that. But I never once doubted he loved me for a nanosecond. He was a far tougher disciplinarian that I could ever hope to be. Maybe that was what inspired me to do well in school. Sheer naked fear of what he'd do to me if I didn't. Whatever the case, it worked. I studied, and did well in school. Others remember me working hard in school, I don't. It never felt hard to me. I constantly did my homework in front of the TV, on the school bus, hell during breaks between classes. My dad never showed a lot of emotion, except anger when we screwed up and joy when we did something good. I struggle to remember much in between. Could that be why dads have become caricatures on TV? Because an entire generation of dads only had two emotional states? Pissed off and wielding a belt or elated and jumping for joy? It's hard to say, the people in charge of making movies and TV shows were raised by my parents' generation. Are their remembrances similar to mine? Dad as a cartoon character? A 2-dimensional image? In the end I suspect my dad had a full range of emotions and actions throughout my childhood. But only the ones on the extreme ends are etched into long term memory. I became keenly aware of that as I began my own family and started to interact with my dad man to man and also watching him interact with my kids, his grandchildren. There was so much more to this man than what I remembered growing up. He was warm, loving, funny and available at all times to provide to help his kids accomplish their goals. Whether the need be money, borrowing a vehicle, the name of a good, honest mechanic. Dad always provided. The thing that I never lost sight of growing up was just how hard my dad worked. He was gone by 6 am most days and not home much before 6 pm. Even with that, there were difficult times, times when we ended up living in housing projects or places WAY too small for 2 adults and 7 kids. Food stamps, government aid were also a part of my childhood. But what I always noticed, was that we only stayed in the projects as long as we had to. When times got better, when dad had more work, we moved into a bigger house, a better neighborhood. We took what we needed, and not a cent more. I learned that from both my parents. The government assistance is there if you need it, but the trick is not to need it. At least not for very long. This is not to say my dad was perfect. He had his flaws, like any man. But a cartoon character he was not. Nor was he a buffoon or a hindrance to the house working smoothly. He gave us everything we needed, even if not much of what we wanted. Fortunately for me, he's still alive and kicking and I can still converse with him about things great and small. I still haven't figured out how to tell him how much I appreciate all the things he did for us kids. All the work, all the sacrifices. All the lessons he taught, without ever sitting down and having some sit-down family meeting like we see on TV. He taught by example. And yes by occasionally whacking us on our butts. Stuff he'd be arrested for today. But I look at myself and my siblings. Seven of us. One a Harvard grad, one a Rollins grad, one a retired Naval Officer, two trade school grads who gainfully employed professionals. One for a law firm the other as a hospital administrator. Yeah there are some who have never quite turned the corner on "the good life" but for two parents who never finished high school to have produced those results, I have to commend my folks. Whatever they did worked pretty well for most of their kids. Credit must go to both parents for that. But today is Fathers Day.. so this salute is for you, Dad.